Equal, but Not the Same

Most of the time, when we feel left out or sidelined, it’s because we are making unhelpful comparisons. We look at a specific interaction between our partners and wonder why we aren't experiencing that exact same thing in that exact same way. This comparison is a recipe for resentment because it ignores the reality of individual chemistry.

Three Distinct Relationships

In a throuple, you aren't just in one big group relationship. There are actually three unique and distinct pairings happening simultaneously. Each of these pairings has its own language, its own rhythm, and its own strengths. Trying to force all three connections to look identical is like trying to make a circle, a square, and a triangle fit the same mold.

The Law of Equilibrium

Overall, things in a healthy triad tend to equalize over time, but they are rarely ever the same for everyone. Equilibrium doesn't mean a 33.3% split of every single emotion or activity. It means that while one connection might be high-energy and physical, another might be grounded and intellectual. The balance comes from the sum of the parts, not from every part being a mirror image of the other.

Diverse Points of Connection

For instance, you might see two of your partners sharing a high level of physical affection and feel a pang of jealousy. But if you step back, you might realize that you connect with them on a different level, mentally or philosophically. One partner might be the person they go to for a laugh, while you are the person they go to for stability and counsel. Both are vital, and neither is more important.

Equal vs. The Same

Whenever you find yourself feeling resentful because things don't feel equal, ask yourself: "Am I confusing equal with the same?" A relationship can be perfectly equal in value and commitment without being identical in expression.

Find Your Unique Frequency

Don’t forget to look for the areas where you have a special connection that the other two don't share. You might be surprised to find that while you were busy envying their dynamic, one or both of them were quietly envying the specific shorthand or intimacy that only exists with you.